Why Do We Hold Grudges?
I ask this question because it seems to be an epidemic in Little League. A coach makes a bad decision, says something that is out of line, loses his temper, or just makes a rookie error. A parent yells too loud, yells at the coach one day, takes their kid off the team, or something along those lines. An umpire has a bad game, makes a bad call, or blows a game for a team. It seems Little League parents, coaches, and umpires have trouble letting this stuff go.
I have been ejected from 5 or 6 Little League games in 19 years. All of those ejections came from the same umpire. See a trend? Likewise, I have had plenty of parents unhappy with something I did, a mistake I made, or maybe a decision I stand by that they didn’t agree with. Those parents still hold something I did years ago against me. Likewise, everyone thinks the board members are out to get them, or stack a team, or something of the like, that is generally hogwash, the board has strict rules with which it must adhere.
Then there are the rare exceptions that I have stood my ground, knowing there was no life lesson in giving in to an individual child’s wants over the betterment of the entire league. I have had players that I drafted on to my team knowing they didn’t want to be there, but knowing that they wanted to play w/ their friends and stack their teams. This usually occurs in the junior or senior division. I drafted them anyway, knowing I could work with them and that they would contribute to the team. We won a championship that year because the very players that protested contributed so greatly.
Just this year a player returned to our league who had left the league because he was not permitted to be placed back in the draft after being part of a Major’s team for the year. This is the manager’s decision and they did not want to release him. Understandable, why weaken your team and strengthen another for the good of one child and the detriment of 23 others? That parent came to me this year and asked if I had any hard feelings, my response? Of course not, he did what he thought was best for his kid and I did what I thought was best for the league. It is rarely personal.
Another situation involves an adult that the board felt was causing trouble. For a few months the two of us didn’t talk even though we had been friendly for years before. He finally started a conversation, we talked things out, and now we are both coaching cordually again. It is silly to have it any other way. But some people don’t see it that way, some people hold grudges. I can do nothing about that, it is their demon, not mine. Who is wrong? Initially, that can be debated, though it really doesn’t matter, but now? Whoever holds the grudge. Is hate what we want to teach our children? Then we wonder why they have so much trouble functioning in a society that will send them on their way if they are unable to cooperate in today’s corporate team structured world?
The fact is, everyone makes mistakes. Coaches, managers, umpires, parents, kids, everyone. Why do we hold on to our hatred and misguided feelings? Why do we put so much effort into negativity? Have you ever felt good about hating someone? But, by contrast, how good does it make you feel when you talk to someone, work it out, and move forward on a whole new plane of understanding? Now that is a good feeling isn’t it? Why do so many deprive themselves of this feeling rather than try and bring good into their lives?
Forgiveness is great. I once had a boss that used to say, “you don’t have to like them, you just have to work with them,” about people that we didn’t really like or customers that were less than cooperative. So many of us smile and are cordial to those we service daily, yet we are nasty and hateful to those that are closest to us who can enlighten our lives so much. I am not talking about family, they love you unconditionally, I am talking about neighbors, friends, teammates, fellow parents and coaches, why can’t we work through our differences and make everyone’s lives better? It does take two to tango though.
Do you have a situation where you worked something out with another and ended up creating a whole different scenario that was better than the original?
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One of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott, said, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.”
I love that! I wish I had half the knowledge that you have when it comes to book smarts and literature. Would help me a lot here. If you don’t forgive, you go around mad and miserable your entire life. Life is too short to be miserable. I choose to be happy, it is a conscious choice. Once you have ridden upside down at 80MPH it puts things in perspective.
I agree that happiness is a choice. I try to teach my kids that they are responsible for their own happiness and for their own feelings. Of course, I am still learning this myself.
You do just great without the lit references. Besides, that’s what you got me for, Coach.
Yes, it is a challenge, I try and catch myself when I am feeling down, but I have to really work at it. Once I start to get down, I start thinking about something that makes me happy such as my kids, my wife, or something that my youngest said in total innocence.
Lit references=not my cup ‘o tea!